Have you ever met someone that was able to set healthy boundaries? For most people, this does not come naturally. Yes. Most of us have to figure it out and then practice, practice, and practice some more. Whether it be building a business, a friendship, or even with family. Okay, especially with family! Setting boundaries can be a fun and rewarding experience. It also has potential to present difficulties that have to be worked through. While some people seem to have an uncanny knack for boundary setting, others struggle.
Still, having difficulty doesn’t mean that you are not cut out for this type of thing, it simply means that additional knowledge and skills are required to benefit what is most important – and that’s YOU!
Those with a ‘knack’ for boundary-setting, know how to effectively use boundaries to accomplish their goals. …And when you finish this article, you will too!
Signs that boundaries are needed
Are you exhausted from working through the many expectations of others? Do you ever feel taken advantage of? Do others frequently ask for unsolicited freebies or things that eat up your time? Do constant interruptions decrease your productivity? Are “friends” inclined to expect special treatment and favors? Are you frequently asked that one ‘quick thing’ that requires loads of your time, but you do it anyway, even if you don’t have the time or don’t want to?
If any of these apply, you might consider the need to set boundaries. While all of these things may be a part of helping others reclaim their lives, it is healthy to set your own priorities and not allow pressures inflicted from outside to ‘drive’ you. In simple terms, busy-ness does not equate with success.
Feeling used & mistreated?
Then set some boundaries!
A person who sets boundaries is a person who cares for and respects themselves. They decide to set healthy boundaries out of a desire to nurture themselves with self-care and self-respect. Believe it or not, setting healthy boundaries is a primary area that you can take care of yourself!
Setting Boundaries is Healthy for you!
For some folks the need for boundaries may present as negativity, resentment, or anger. Do not be quick to harshly judge those negative feelings you may have. Negative emotions are merely an indicator that something is amiss in a similar manner as the fuel gauge on a car indicates whether the tank is full or empty. Now that you recognize healthy boundaries are in order, you can do something about it!
Don’t become discouraged should the thought of boundary-setting reduce you to tears. Given some time and opportunity it is very possible to become proficient in this area. Setting healthy boundaries is a wonderful way to practice self-love and personal growth, and is ultimately empowering and energizing. If this is you, take courage. YOU CAN do this! Read on to learn how.
“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
~ Brene’ Brown
Setting Boundaries is Healthy for Others!
The place to begin is by delaying the urge to automatically say “yes” whenever a request is made. As author/researcher Brene’ Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, states: “The moment someone asks you to do something you don’t have the time or inclination to do is fraught with vulnerability.
“Yes!” often seems like the easiest way out. But it comes at a price: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “Sure!” in my squeaky, I-can’t-believe-I’m-doing-this voice, only to spend hours, even months, feeling angry and resentful. For women, there’s a myth that we’re supposed to do it all (and do it perfectly). Saying no cues a chorus of inner shame gremlins: “Who do you think you are?” “You’re not a very caring [mother/wife/friend/colleague].”1
“No!” is a complete sentence!
Next, practice saying the word “No” with confidence! If you have difficulty speaking it out with confidence, practice! Say No! with enthusiasm until the confidence surfaces, then practice again. Say No! in front of the mirror. Say No! in the car. Practice until it becomes a habit. And remember, “No!” is a complete sentence! Practicing your boundaries in everyday life is key to setting effective boundaries in your business.
“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say ‘No’ to almost everything.”
~ Warren Buffett
Warren Buffet an American investor and business tycoon said “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say ‘No’ to almost everything.” Isn’t that what two-year-old children say? When they do, they are learning to set effective boundaries for themselves. A skill that will serve them well throughout their lives.
It is possible to use boundary-setting techniques to manipulate others. This behavior ought to be rejected. Manipulative boundaries are often extremely rigid and unyielding. They may be intended to make the boundary-maker feel safe or to avoid anything that could possibly go awry, but the downside is that manipulative boundaries are actually exclusive. They serve to keep people ‘out’ instead of inviting them ‘in’-to a mutually beneficial and rewarding relationship.
The 3 ‘C’s of Boundary-Making
What are healthy boundaries? What should a we have? A good place to begin is by thinking about those areas in your life that would be benefited by a clearly-defined boundary. Undoubtedly, you will think of more than is listed here, but use these to get you going:
Examples of Healthy Boundaries
- No cussing in my presence or my home
- Always be respectful
- Visitors, please call first
- I prefer to be contacted by text
- Do not disturb after 10 pm
Everyone has different ideas of what is a suitable boundary for them. So after listing those boundaries that you have decided upon and how you would like to handle each one, you will want to move on to the first ‘C’ of Boundary-Making.
Successful Boundaries Must Be Clear
Clear boundaries clarify our expectations and set people up to succeed. For boundaries to be respected and adhered to, clear communication is the key.
The best place to start when setting boundaries verbally is to “own’ it. This is an important step to establishing your authority and can be accomplished by making “I” statements. “I” statements are a simple way to get started. Practice the ones below and add any others that suit you. State them with confidence just as when you practiced saying “No!”
- “I don’t have the bandwidth for that.”
- “I would be happy to make time for you. I am next available on Tuesday.”
- “Dinner time is family time. It is a priority. You must be there.”
- “I am not available before 10 a.m. on weekends.”
- “I can’t take that on.”
“But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by the heaven or by the earth or with any other oath. But let your Yes be Yes, and your No, No, lest you fall into judgment.”
James 5:12 ISR
When offering an “I” statement, do not add further explanations as they weaken the authority you would like to convey. Keep your boundary statements short and to the point.
Repetition along with enthusiasm will help build your confidence. If you have a friend with which you can practice, have them encourage you to be assertive. That is even better.
Successful Boundaries Must Be Communicated
It is a mistake to assume that others automatically know your boundaries. There are various ways to set boundaries with signs, in contracts, in policies, as well as verbally. It is recommended to write out boundaries for the sake of clarity when you are doing business with someone. However, not everything can be forethought and written. Relationships are messy like that. This is why we need to practice verbalizing limits.
Here is one example: When a friend is always running significantly late. You may find it becomes necessary to enforce your personal boundary for friends to be respectful of you. Practice the following statement until it can easily roll off of your tongue.
Boundary statement: “We always have such a good time when we’re together, so I make sure that I am ready at the time that you and I agreed to. Please give me that same consideration.”
Obviously, it wouldn’t be necessary to say this when someone was only a few minutes late once or twice. However, being prepared for those times when you have to set a healthy boundary will help to keep you on your toes when needed.
Successful Boundaries Must Be Consistent
Consistency is a bit more difficult in the beginning than after one has been setting boundaries for a while. It is wise to expect some resistance when first using boundaries as with any good wall or fence there will be “fence testers”. Sometimes these are people who are genuinely surprised that there has been a change. These people will generally adapt and respect you all the more.
Another type of “fence tester’ is the manipulative or ‘toxic’ person. So just be sure to come across as any reasonable and rational person would, and just take a deep breath, relax, and calmly stick to your guns for “this too shall pass.”
“You best teach others about healthy boundaries by enforcing yours.”
~ Bryant McGill
Being habitual about consistently enforcing your boundaries shows that you respect your decision-making. Waffling demonstrates uncertainty, which undermines your authority, and can make it more difficult to hold your ground the next time. In other words, inconsistency requires more effort to repair than the effort required in routine maintenance.
These techniques are sure to be beneficial in all areas of your life, and that’s what this is all about isn’t it? Making your life safe, peaceful, and joy-filled… for YOU!